I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And then he peed in my hair
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