somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
