John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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