What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
