I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
