I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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