you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize