i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
