Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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