When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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