If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
