I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
