I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
