and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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