When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
