I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
