as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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