I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
