i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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