well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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