Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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