Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
