I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
