Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
