I accidentally burped into my bong.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
