Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
