How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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