I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
