My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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