why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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