Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
