All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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