I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
