My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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