Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
