I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize