so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
