At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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