u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
