can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
