I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
