Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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