dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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