How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
