Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
