apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
