i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Text me some of your sweat
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