it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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