i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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