Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
