new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize