In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
