I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
