It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize