I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
