i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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