wanna go halves on a baby?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize