We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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