Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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