she looked like the before picture.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
