i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
