dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
