What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
